Updates!

Two months ago was my last post. Wow! I suppose with school starting and Mick's new job I've been a bit more busy doing various things. Will's naps have been hit and miss these days and that also dictates my available time.

Colin has been doing really good in school. I'm really proud of him. His parent-teacher conference went very well. She really had a lot of good things to say about Colin. He catches on to new things really quick and his level of understanding is something to be admired. I would say the main thing he needs to work on is taking his time when coloring. This is kindergarten after all and there is a lot of coloring involved. haha. But I am really amazed at how fast he is learning new things. His writing is pretty incredible for a kid who I couldn't get to sit still for 10 minutes to practice writing.

I have been volunteering in Colin's classroom 1 or 2 days a week, depending on what the teacher needs. I go in for an hour and a half and am exhausted! I have mad respect for his teacher in regards to her patience and energy. She really has a huge job and there is just so much going on with each individual kid. She is a wonderful teacher and just perfect for kindergarten.

Mick's new job is going well. He's putting in a lot of hours and driving 2 hours a day to get there and back. He's pretty quiet about the whole thing, but I haven't heard him complain yet so that is a good sign. A great thing is we just got health insurance from this new job. I am so relieved and feel blessed to have it. We were in our 3rd year without insurance and lucky nothing major happened during that time. Oh and by the end of this week I will have some new glasses and look forward to being able to see more clearly again. Sweet. And I'm really proud of my husband for getting this job. He really went for it and got what he wanted. He is pretty cool.

I have recently started helping my friend who has a cleaning business. It's been 2 to 3 days a week and surprisingly I don't mind cleaning other people's houses. It's so much faster than at my own home without all the distractions and mess-makers around. The best part, though, is the company. I feel in such a good mood after spending time talking to my friend and keeping busy. It has really been good. I actually look forward to it!

How about Will? Well he is doing okay. He's got almost two months under his belt now of preschool. At first he cried when I left him there, but he has adjusted to being separated now. It's a small class he's in of 7 little boys. He is able to play a lot of ball and sits in a cube chair during circle time. He likes music and the "Brown Bear, Brown Bear" book a lot. He hates eating at school and I don't think has eaten much yet. I love when I pick him up and see him sitting in his chair smiling and listening to his teacher sing their goodbye song. Sometimes I hear him make sounds like 'hey' without the 'h' while they are singing. It is really cute.

All Will's therapies outside of school are going well. Physical therapy is a joy as always for him. He loves that body work. Occupational therapy has been great too. He's starting to be able to follow simple directions and giggles with his therapist all the time. Speech therapy is actually going pretty good too. Will is learning some new sign language. He can now sign "more," "go," "ball," and every once in a while "stop." I think Will is also starting to be able to say "ball." It sounds more like "mmm-ba," but he is very consistent with this sound whenever we are playing with a ball. Speech therapy is one of my hardest therapies to cope with because Will's progress is so very, very slow. Sometimes I want to give it up. But we will of course keep going for now.

Will's behavior has been going downhill lately. For a while in the summer he was doing pretty good, kind of evening out; but that's sadly over. He has a lot of frustration and takes a lot of anger out on me and now on various items. He is throwing things and slamming doors and sometimes hitting his head against the wall or floor. He is more sensitive than ever to noises that bother him, especially coughing. He doesn't like to be told no or be scolded for doing something he shouldn't be. He breaks down in tears and screams any time we tell him to stop doing something. He has also had 3 head colds now since starting school and that really hasn't helped at all. During his last illness he got feverish and lost his balance. One afternoon he happened to trip on a rug and smacked his face on the tile floor. He got a big gash on his head and a bloody nose. I took him to the emergency room and he got his first stitches right in the middle of his forehead. It wasn't too bad, though. I'm really surprised it hadn't happened sooner!

Afternoon after getting stitches out

 I could talk about Will all day. Next I'll write a new post about his most recent Children's Hospital developmental evaluation and talk about what we learned this time.

Mom Thoughts and Possible Rants

This blog is really all about being a mom. Really it's my #1 job. And oh how I love being a mom. I always wanted to be a mom since I was little. I have a great mom and I always admired her. I used to look at her when I was little and think she was the most beautiful lady in the world. She would sometimes wear her hair up on her head back in the 80s and she looked like a princess.

My beautiful mom and I back in the days

My mom is a smart woman who knows tons of things. She is strongly-opinionated and can debate her points well. She was always so good about taking my brother, sister, and I to do fun activities when we were kids. She also worked a lot and it couldn't have been easy for her to juggle everything. I really respect her. She is now retired and enjoying life in the best way.

I used to play with these little critters called Sylvanian Family when I was a kid. These are some of the ones I had, same outfits and everything. I had a doll house they fit in and I remember spending hours with them, setting them up, talking to them, dressing them, making up family stories. I still remember this activity very fondly. My little sister was born when I was 5 and I took a lot with me from having her around as a baby. Someday I would have my own little baby to take care of.

My sister and I

When I was pregnant for the first time with my baby girl Frances, I really started reliving all these old days and couldn't wait to share these kinds of things with her. Now having boys, it is quite a different. I have to reach into my memory bank and think of what was going on with my brother back in the days. My brother was my playmate for our younger years especially. He is 18 months younger than me. I spent most of my time bossing him around. I remember more than anything playing in the sandbox in our backyard with him. As we got older I found him to be the funniest person I knew. He always made me laugh. We would laugh at the craziest things. My brother is the best. I miss him so much. He lives in California with a beautiful family of his own now. Someday when traveling becomes feasible with Will, we will go see them. And they come out to Colorado a lot too. I can't wait to see them again.

Me, my dad, my brother

My brother and I

From what I gather, Colin is really a mix between Mick and I. He is also pretty unique in his own way. Mick's mom passed away years ago, before I knew him, so I don't have her perspective to draw from. But Mick's dad and brother are here and they have some hilarious stories from when Mick was growing up. Mick is the little brother of his family. He seemed to be picked on a lot and made to do crazy things by his brother and his friends. He also got into some trouble in his teenage years... always messing around with friends... enough to be sent away to military school to finish out his school career! I find this to be funny now as Mick is so responsible and laid back.

Mick and his mom

Little Mick. He was so cute!

Colin is a mix between us. Colin's birthday is in the middle of the 28 days between mine and Mick's, although Colin favors the Capricorn side... so I think he's a tad more like me. He's really carefree and likes to laugh and smile, more like me. He's like Mick in his love for playing video games and learning about superheroes. He's also smart like Mickey and is good with numbers. I've never been too good with numbers.

And then there's Will. He looks a lot like Mick, especially the older he gets. Personality-wise, he's just on a totally different wavelength than all of us. Some days I wish I could see some personality resemblance and know what he's going through. I try and try and I just don't know. I do love it when he's happy and laughing. He reminds me of Colin then. I desperately want to understand Will. I remember a lot from when I was a kid. The obscure details and feelings still stick in my mind. I go back to them when parenting Colin, but for Will I just don't know. I am working on it. It's more like I just try and keep him happy. I think as times goes on we will connect more. He's like a baby about many things still, but I think he will make some gains in intellect and I hope speech and I will really get to know him more. He's still my little guy and I love every little thing about him, despite how much I complain about things. I feel like I'm here to protect him and help him grow to his highest potential, just like parenting any average kid.

Mother bear gets mad! So the other day we were at the local bounce house having a good old time. Will happened to make a big milestone there in that he finally climbed to the top of the big bouncy slide all by himself. For 2 years he tried and tried and this time he did it at least 20 times! How exciting! So there's Will at the top of the slide and two bigger boys, probably 8 or 9, are waiting behind Will so he will slide down. Will was just sitting there checking it all out from up top. I encouraged Will to come down. The boys were growing restless. I said to the boys, "go around him." They wouldn't. Then one of the boys said, "what is wrong with you? Why don't you go?" over and over again. I grew livid. My heart beat fast. I looked around to see who was responsible for these boys. No one was there. I then roared at these boys, "Not cool! You guys can wait or go around. He's only 3!" Then Will went down the slide. 

This was my first experience with other kids trash-talking my little son. I'm going to bet this happens a lot in the future, especially once he's in mainstream school. I worry so much about this. He can't speak for himself, so who will? He doesn't deserve to be treated this way, especially when he works so hard to accomplish all he does. It's a mixed blessing at this point as he doesn't understand what's going on yet, but I don't doubt that someday he will. Will he be strong enough to let that stuff not bother him? Will it hurt him? These thoughts plague my mind. And he looks normal, if not older than his age due to his height. That makes it hard for others to tell he might be different than them by looking at him. I don't think these boys meant much by it, but it still pissed me off. Have some respect people! 

Now I can't even come close to comparing myself to some of the bullying children endure that we hear about these days. There is some messed up garbage going on out in the world. Sweet children committing suicide due to being bullied. Beautiful young people being attacked due to their sexual orientation. Gorgeous young ladies being drugged and raped because they are perceived as "sluts." It is so sad. I will say I received my share of bullying in school; a little in elementary school, but middle school was a nightmare. F those bitches who picked on me for my big butt and plain face. I never said anything to them and tried to ignore it; but it was hard. Those feelings I'd prefer to stay back there start to come out, especially when someone picks on my own baby. Now I am a little more articulate, if not overly emotional, and hope I can handle situations like the one above better. Same thing goes when I overhear people making insensitive remarks that "I think there's something wrong with him" or the blatant stares we get from the public at large. Some days I want to scream in their faces to mind their own business. I can see you looking at my son. He is an innocent angel. You are the ones with the problem and no manners. I think as time goes on I will either have some good comebacks or handle it better. Ignore it? I hate ignoring that crap. Mick is so good at ignoring it. He says to me "who are they?" Like why do they matter to you? They are nothing... I don't know. It just does matter to me. It matters to me deep down in my core. It's not right.

Well, what am I getting at here? I was going to write about being a special needs mom. I'll try to do better later. But this is all part of it I guess. It started out with two people who have pasts and our hopes and dreams for a family. Then there's the little people we created and we get what we get. We face adversity head on and try and survive and grow good people in the end.

Thanks for reading everyone. I've been getting awesome feedback from some of you and I appreciate that! xoxo

Discipline and Negative Behavior

Straight off the happy train back into Downersville! Well no, I don't think this is going to be as much as a downer as it is just talking about a tough phase we are in right now.

Will is 3. Three year olds are widely known to be adorable little devils at the best of times. My nonverbal 3-year-old can be the devil and all his little minions rolled up in to one ball of temper and teeth and nails. Will gets really, really frustrated. When he was smaller he would just roll along with everything and went with it. Things are different nowadays. A friend of mine who has an incredible child with autism, who is I believe about 9 years old now, said when her son was Will's age he was a "hot mess." I would definitely use this term to describe Will. He's a total hot mess!

Can you imagine not being able to communicate effectively? What if your most-effective methods of communication were to bite, pinch, and scratch? It gets my attention pretty darn quick and I can imagine it's a way for Will to release his negative feelings and gain some control. He has learned that doing these negative things to me will get my attention fast and he has learned to do them all the time. Sometimes he laughs at my reaction to him scratching me. Like he thinks it's funny when I say "Ouch. That hurts mommy." Great.

A recent pinch from Will on my arm

This biting and scratching and pinching crap hurts. It hurts like a mother. Will's got the sharpest little teeth and comes at me from all angles. He is known to drop down and bite my leg or sneak up from behind and bite my booty. In the last month he has learned to pinch and scratch. And he is strong! He drops down now like a noodle and makes it really hard for me to pick him up. He knows how to fight back. He has that all figured out. I worry he is starting to manipulate me in some way, but it's so hard to know what to do. It is really tempting to spank him. Several people have told me to bite him back or scratch him back, but I don't see how this would help. He doesn't really understand what he's doing and doesn't know what it means to hurt me. He wouldn't understand why I am spanking him. And the times I have scratched him back or snapped him on the cheek to make him stop, he just gets more mad. It becomes a cycle of madness.

These days Will is starting to understand words and simple phrases more, which is great; but he still really lacks in understanding why we do things or why he can't do certain things. He just gets really upset when he doesn't get to do the things he wants. For instance, he wants to go out in the front yard a lot. We live on a quiet street, but he certainly can't be out there unsupervised. And I don't always want to go out front. He doesn't understand if I say to him "we will go out there after I finish what I'm doing"... or whatever. He gets so mad when he doesn't get his way and out come the teeth and nails and screams again. This kind of thing happens all day long. Sometimes someone forgets to lock the front door. Will seems to realize this immediately and will be out the door before I can stop him. I then have to try to either coax him into the house (which works maybe 1% of the time), drag him into the house while avoiding teeth and nails and fighting his weight and strength, or I simply give up what I was doing and go outside and play with him for a while. You know what annoys me about this? We have a pretty fun backyard with tons of stuff to do back there. The front yard has our cars in the driveway and grass and a tree and some flowers. I don't know what it is about the front, but he just loves it. He always wants to be out there, no matter if it's raining, snowing, windy, etc.

So how does one discipline a child like this? I admit I have lost it a few times and yelled back at him. He looks at me with a blank stare, doesn't care or even understand that I am mad or he's in trouble. Will shows no emotion when I yell at him. Sometimes he laughs and thinks I'm being funny. It is extremely frustrating. It's infuriating. I have to check myself too and take my own break. A mommy timeout. Regroup. Try again. Then try to cheer him up, even though I am still pretty upset with him. He doesn't get social cues, although he is starting to not like stern voices or being scolded. I think this is a good step.

But I have got to find out how to stop this awful behavior. Therapists have given me some ideas. One therapist said to have him hit a wall or stomp his feet instead. This worked maybe once. When his little mouth is ready to bite, there is very little that can stop him until he bites. He wears a chewy tube all the time that I can shove in his mouth instead, but this is probably 10% effective. He is frustrated and wants to hurt me. I don't hold it against him. Some days I handle it better than others. If we're at home I usually put him in his room alone to cool down. But there are days when he's gone in there 15 to 20 times for a time out. It gets to be a little much and I don't think he needs to spend that much time alone in his room. It's hard to know what to do.

I really hope preschool helps with this. I have heard great things about the preschool class he's going into in September and I think it will be great. He is going to be there 4 days a week for 3 hours at a time and some of this behavior is bound to come out. There is also behavior therapy out there and child psychologists and I would love to get him into something to help control his emotions. I'm working on getting something going for him. 

Will's Strengths

Hello! Today I'm going to write a positive post... with likely tons of exclamation points!!!!!!!!! My dad said my blog was a little depressing and another friend said she made sure to grab the tissues before settling down to read it. I am sorry for being so negative. It feels good to talk about all that stuff, though, as it is in my mind and sometimes I look at our situation as a real tragedy. This is no tragedy, though. This is a good life and we have it better than many people of the world. I really don't know true suffering compared to some. This is a truth in my life that I always hold on to. I know we have it good. If you know me in person, you know that I always try to keep things upbeat. I don't like to rock the boat much and enjoy laughing and making people feel good. Sometimes the negative feelings get buried inside and I think it has been really helpful to write those feelings out and now I can go back to them whenever I feel the need.

So let me tell you about some of the incredible things about Will!

Laughter and smiling: My very most favorite thing about Will is his ability to find humor in the smallest things. I can say a phrase in a certain way, like "THIS little piggy..." and he cracks up. Will has no filter on his feelings and emotions like the majority of us do and when he is happy, you know it's an undeniable, genuine happiness. Along with his laughter comes his amazing smile. He has a bright-eyed, super sunshiny smile. I love it.

Will laughing with Grandma

Ball Skills: Will has a really good attention span when it comes to doing things he enjoys. This kid probably spends 60% of his awake time playing with bouncy balls of all shapes and sizes. He will play with a ball alone or with other people. He is extremely motivated by balls! You should see him catch a ball. It is amazing. I will try to get a good video of him doing it. He also likes to sit down with a small bouncy ball and listen to it hit the ground with the different ways he drops it. He turns his ear towards the ball and concentrates on the sound. I know I kind of put down the doctor in a previous post who told me to get Will into the Special Olympics, but if he continues on with his amazing ball work, I am really thinking about getting him involved with them. He could be an Olympian! I can see it now.

USA! USA!

Easily Entertained: Another great thing about Will is that he is rather easily entertained. If we are in a safe kind of environment and one that he feels comfortable in, like a house, the park, or someone's backyard, he is usually a really good boy. I really feel blessed that Will can entertain himself so well. It lets me relax and enjoy the company of friends and family more. It is a different story at home, however. We spend so much time here and I think he gets bored or worried I'm going away if I am moving about the house trying to get things done. But if you were ever to invite us over to your house, Will would probably be an angel and enjoy climbing your stairs, opening your doors, bouncing your balls, and playing in your yard. He also doesn't mess with people's breakable things. It is really nice.

"The way this sand falls is fascinating."

"This water feels good."

"This metal is fun to stomp on and makes a great noise."

"These bubbles are supreme!"

Intelligence: Remember how I told you the doctors down at Children's thought Will has an intellectual disability? Well, I want to dispute that claim right here. I think Will is much more intelligent than he is able to show. He doesn't understand or have particular interest in many things, but he is smart. For example, one day I opened the refrigerator and found a bar of soap where the sticks of butter are. I thought it was Colin playing a joke on me, but he denied it. Then I realized it was Will. He was playing in the bathroom and took a wrapped bar of soap out of the cabinet. He then took it to the kitchen and matched it up with the butter. Isn't that something? To me it was incredible that he made that association. A bar of soap is kind of similar to a cold stick of butter. I told some of his therapists this, but they didn't find this as profound as I did I guess. This to me is a sign of intelligence.

Another example is Will will sometimes take a frying pan out of the cupboard and set it up on the stove top right where we normally cook. He will take a spoon out from the drawer and add it to the pan. He is really observing things more than is apparent at first.

Will is really starting to understand language a lot more than ever. He is definitely delayed in this category, but in the last 6 months he is starting to understand things more. I can ask him "would you like pancakes?" and he gets so excited and leads me to the kitchen to make his favorite food. I tell him, let's put on your shoes and he stops and lifts his feet and lets me put his shoes on. We can tell Will that we are getting ready to go somewhere and that he needs to get into the car, and he runs right for the door and heads outside.

Will doesn't watch TV or play video games. I mean, he is only 3; but still, TV has never interested him (other than one particular music DVD I played at least a couple hundred times for him... it was nice while it lasted)! I said to Mick the other day how I feel Will is probably going to be more well-rounded and experienced than Colin due to the fact that he has very little interest in electronics. He is learning so much through his environment. It would be really nice for a break if I could sit him down to watch a little TV, especially some of the Signing Times videos, but so far that's not happening. I'm okay with that.

Animal Love: Will loves our pets. He particularly likes our dog Lucy. When he is feeling like cuddling, he will cuddle right up with her and suck his thumb. She doesn't mind. I want to get Will a service dog someday if I can figure out how to go about that. I love animals too and am happy he likes ours so much.

Will also loves our new kitty, Ricola

People Love: Will loves his peeps. He particularly adores his dad and his grandpas. He is also starting to like his grandmas and my sister more too. The more time we spend with certain people, the more Will is comfortable with them. He has a tendency to like men more than woman, although I am the number one person in his life. Maybe I am enough as I am the ultimate woman! Ha ha. Just kidding. I'm just his mommy and I'm glad he loves me and trusts in me so much.

Mick reading to Will

Grandpa dancing with Will and Mason (my nephew)

Enjoyment of Praise: A particularly-nice thing that makes therapy a lot easier is that Will enjoys being praised for what he is doing. He loves when we (therapists included) clap for him after he accomplishes something. I hope this lasts for a long time as it is an easy thing to do and he is really motivated by it. He also likes to look for recognition after doing something. My friend was over the other day with her kids and Will went flying down the slide like a pro and he looked at her and waited for her to acknowledge what he had just done. He does this kind of thing all the time. It is really an endearing quality and I am told a good sign in his development.

There are many other examples I could get into, but I think I will save them for another post sometime. These are the main ones for now.

I am learning to work with Will more effectively and take him to do the things he enjoys rather than do things that upset him. I always end up pushing him a little farther than he is comfortable with, but I hope it makes a difference someday and doesn't have a negative effect. It isn't bad to push him, though. And I'll tell you, doing the things he loves does some days become tedious. Sometimes I just want to do something different and exciting! I mean, I don't particularly enjoy standing out in the hot sun watching Will go up and down the slide 40 times, but I stay there because he is happy and is working on his skills. 

The Aftermath From Tragedy and New Life

Losing the baby was bad. Little by little after a time I was able to be a form of happy again. Yet, I was obsessed with the idea that I did something wrong when pregnant. I had a whole list of things I thought I should or shouldn't have done that I brought to the doctor afterwards, including painting the kitchen and refinishing an old dresser. I was sure the paint fumes caused the birth defect. The doctor reassured me as best she could. I am not like this today. I know things happened and I don't know why. I had the best of intentions for my baby girl.

I also wanted to be pregnant again. I wasn't going to give up on having a baby. I waited as long as the doctor told me to and diligently kept my environment and consumption clean and straight. I took the prenatal vitamins religiously. I also loathed seeing happy people with beautiful babies. I was so incredibly jealous and saddened by them. I was just in a strange place in my mind and I was lonely for something missing.

I became pregnant in spring 2007 with my little angel Colin. As I said previously, I was a nervous wreck. I wouldn't allow myself to be happy until my early ultrasound in Denver with the high-risk OB at 16 weeks when we were able to see how the baby's heart looked and other systems. Well, he was perfect. He was handsome and had a cute little nose already. Time to lighten up here!

A hilarious thing we learned was that the doctor told us he thought it was a girl. The genitals weren't really formed yet to get a good look, but he was sure it was a girl. So we went home happy and more relaxed. I started to bust out all my girl stuff I'd been saving. I hung up clothes. I was tired of feeling awful and ready to start again.

At the 20-week ultrasound we were informed that this was indeed a boy. A boy! A boy?! I called my friend Theresa giddy and I think she thought I was nuts. She said "are you okay?" It was great. I gave my sister back all the little girl things she gave me and went shopping. I have his first little outfit still.

I really was happy the rest of my pregnancy. I relaxed and took it easy. I ate like I was starving and felt pretty great. I lived through the acid reflux and had a fun baby shower.

On Christmas Eve I went into labor. My family spent Christmas Day by the phone waiting to hear the news. They all came to the hospital Christmas night and waited. And around 10 o'clock Colin was born 3 weeks early at 8 lbs 10 oz. He was healthy and perfect. He was the best Christmas gift I will ever get and I was so happy. I was a nervous new mom about nursing and all that stuff. But I was so happy he was here I could just burst.

We brought him home to his little jungle nursery and I sat with him and fed him and I remember crying, "I'm so happy you are here little boy." I smothered him with all my love and he took a heavy burden from me.

Colin is my little angel. He's 5-1/2 now and still a sweet little boy. I may spoil him and give into him often, but I just can't help it. He is the light of my life. On days when I am feeling really down about Will and all the screaming and crying and biting we endure, when I am desperate enough to think, "wow, I don't want to do this anymore," I think of Colin and those thoughts erase in an instant.

Colin is smart. He has an amazing gift with words. He said his first word "doggie" at 9 months. I have a video of him around 17 months and he is telling me about a "yellow hose" in the back yard. It is adorable. He understands so much. He understands the meaning behind the meaning in our language. He can tell jokes. He remembers the most obscure words he hears and uses them in context. He is really the polar opposite of Will when it comes to language.

Colin and I spent nearly every waking and sleeping moment together up until Will was born. Colin loved his dad, but he was mama's boy. This is different nowadays. He would way rather spend time with his cool dad than me, but I know he loves me. He is a great kid and I value our time together.

The Old Me and the New Me - Heartbreak of Lost Baby

I have been anxious to write this post for a long time. I've written it many times in my head. I know I said I would write about Will's Children's Hospital Evaluation next, but I really needed to do this first.

Mick and I met and fell in love in 2001 when I was 21. He was one of the gentlest men I'd ever met, despite his tough exterior. We had so much fun those first years being together. We had tons of things in common and he always treated me well. We worked together on our goals. We bought a house together a year after meeting. I was in college still but I needed a stable person in my life. I was a fish out of water in the real world making some poor choices. I am really glad I met him when I did and I loved him from our first date.

In 2004 we got engaged and married. By that time I was really ready to be married. I had 6 months left of the college courses I was taking and was ready to get a permanent job and settle down for reals. I wanted to have a baby too. My sister had my niece then and I thought she was the best thing ever. I couldn't wait to have my own baby. We waited until I finished my classes and got a job. We waited a little longer until my health insurance kicked in.

I got pregnant in 2006. I was on cloud nine with the idea of being pregnant. It was finally my turn! I really was so happy. I did, however, have horrible morning sickness... or round-the-clock sickness is more like it. My stomach was doing me no favors. I was weak. I was hot. I just never felt very well. My hips ached so bad. I still feel it sometimes like a phantom pain in my hips. I did end up feeling better into the 2nd trimester and was starting to show. I was getting pretty happy and excited. I started collecting baby items. Mick and I even took a little road trip. We had a lovely time together. It was a nice trip, but when I look back at those pictures it is very painful. They are in a box in the back of my closet. That was the last time I was truly my old self. Look how happy I was. Not a real care in the world. I was untouchable and nothing truly tragic had ever really happened to me.

My 1st ultrasound at 20 weeks changed everything. I get a sinking sensation even writing it now. The tech seemed to be spending an awful long time looking at my baby. She did inform us it was a girl. I was giddy for a moment. She told me "have fun shopping." Umm okay, thanks lady. We met the doctor afterward. It was the first time I had seen the actual doctor at the OB office. Before it was the PA and nurse. She didn't know me. I didn't know her. She told us our baby has "a very concerning finding." The way she said it, I cringe. I can imagine us sitting there all bubbly and excited and she has to tell us something horrible.

She said our baby has a heart defect called hypoplastic left heart syndrome (HLHS). Half of the baby's heart didn't grow; her heart, a vital organ. She told us what it meant. The baby will develop fine in the womb but as soon as she is born her heart will not pump blood properly. She would need surgery at the moment of birth. I encourage you to read more about HLHS if you have time. I remember they told us 1 in 10,000 babies had it. I think the number is higher now. I personally know of three other people who had or have children with this condition, which is remarkable. There are many details about HLHS that I have honestly blocked out. I searched online through late hours learning more and more about it. Babies were known to survive with this condition with a heart transplant or a series of surgeries.

I was scared to death. I didn't have the emotional tools to deal with such a thing. I remember worrying about money and how we would afford all this. How would we manage to make it through such a dramatic thing? What if the baby dies when she is born? How could I ever go on? This isn't a television show; this is real life.

We were sent to South Denver to see a pediatric heart specialist. They did an ultrasound of her heart that took an hour and a half. I fell asleep lying there. We were told even though it was technically HLHS, hers looked slightly abnormal. I apologize for not remembering some of these details. We talked with the heart specialist about what her options would be when born. She had very few options. It was a bleak picture. We were basically told she wasn't going to make it.

Still, I was sent to see a high-risk OB in Denver and had detailed ultrasounds done of all her systems. The only other significant finding was that my baby girl was very small for her gestational age. I don't remember the exact details.

I can tell you my heart absolutely broke during all this. I am the first child in my family and I thought this baby was going to be just like me. I thought she would have been beautiful. I still wish I had a little girl of my own to know what she would be like. I'm certain my reproductive days are over. I couldn't handle going through all this again. I get sick just thinking about all the stress I was under when pregnant with Colin. I was so worried about him. I fatefully had been introduced to "The Secret" around this time and was able to visualize and meditate on positive outcomes and that was really the only thing that kept me from going off the deep end when I was pregnant with him. I had a mantra I would repeat whenever I would start to feel negative: "My baby will be healthy, my baby will come home with us, my baby will grow up and live a full life." That was Colin. I actually still do this from time to time. I should probably do it more.

Mick and I had a lot of long talks during all this. Thank goodness we were able to communicate still. I don't even know how we did it. We had to make some tough decisions. In my heart I am a woman's advocate and I believe every woman should always be able to make informed choices about what happens to her and her body. During this time of making hard choices I got a cramping stomach illness. I was throwing up nonstop. I became dehydrated. I started spotting. I feel like I was making myself sick with some kind of mental breakdown. We went down to Denver to induce labor. I was 25 weeks. This was the decision I had made. I am hesitant to write this because I fear being judged for the choice we made.

The baby came quick; stillborn. We have pictures with her, both of us red-faced and crying. She was the tiniest little person I'd ever seen. She had a little bit of brown hair and long fingers. We named her Frances Jane. The doctor inspected the baby. I was told the cord was wrapped around her neck many times. I was told it was highly likely she had perished in the womb up to a week before. Yet we still had to make the choice to induce early. I wish I'd never had to make that choice and would have let my body take care if it. I think she died from my broken heart.

After this all went down we had a little funeral for the baby. I was empty inside. I wasn't nice to Mick. We should have held onto eachother tighter. I don't know how we even came out of all this. It was a dark day.

I retained part of the placenta for a good week and was bleeding a lot. I had no idea what it was all about. The cramping and blood came in waves. I finally went to the doctor and she sent me to surgery right away to have it removed. I didn't even know what was happening to me. I was so very sad.

I had a certain person ask me not a month after all this happened, "so when are you getting pregnant again?" That was my first real taste of human insensitivity and I cringe thinking about it still. I wish I would have screamed in this person's face. I wish I could right now. It wouldn't make any difference though in the end.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about this baby girl. She is always in my mind. I hope she is out there looking down on us and looking after her brothers. I hope she knows I really did want her so badly. I wanted her so bad. I still do.

A New Blog, An Old Journey

They say history repeats itself... so away we go again! I'm starting this new blog to help document our lives and give some insight into my personal feelings, struggles, pleasures, amazement, and amusements that go along with raising my son Will, who happens to be developmentally-challenged, and our family experience as I see it. Will has a big brother Colin who is the angel of my life and a happy, fun, super smart kid. Colin is now 5-1/2 and Will is 3. There's also the big guy of the house, Mick, who is a heck of a hard worker and cool and fun-loving dad. I'm Lauren and the mom. I do a lot of mom stuff and house stuff; a lot of reading and a little too much obsessing over certain cable TV shows and immersing myself in pop culture; I also love music and dancing and singing in the kitchen with Will and sometimes Colin and this is where I seem to spend a lot of my time. I love being around my extended family and wish I could spend more time with all of them. I hope to travel more one day and visit some particular family members my heart longs to see. For now, social media and technology are filling that empty space.

This blog is going to be more of my writing and less photos, though I'm sure I won't be able to resist posting photos and videos every now and again, especially since I've recently been blessed with an iPhone and have all this at my fingertips. Growing up I loved journaling and writing, though it was more about my daily life and feelings than any creative type stuff. Being a mom of young children, I feel like a lot of myself has been put on the back burner and lately I've been yearning for an outlet for all these thoughts and feelings. I'm doing this for myself too and am rather excited! Ideas are popping into my head and I'm trying to keep up. This is going to be good.

Welcome to Colorful Colorado with our gorgeous blue skies and summer breezes; welcome to my new blog. Thanks for visiting and come back often.