The Old Me and the New Me - Heartbreak of Lost Baby

I have been anxious to write this post for a long time. I've written it many times in my head. I know I said I would write about Will's Children's Hospital Evaluation next, but I really needed to do this first.

Mick and I met and fell in love in 2001 when I was 21. He was one of the gentlest men I'd ever met, despite his tough exterior. We had so much fun those first years being together. We had tons of things in common and he always treated me well. We worked together on our goals. We bought a house together a year after meeting. I was in college still but I needed a stable person in my life. I was a fish out of water in the real world making some poor choices. I am really glad I met him when I did and I loved him from our first date.

In 2004 we got engaged and married. By that time I was really ready to be married. I had 6 months left of the college courses I was taking and was ready to get a permanent job and settle down for reals. I wanted to have a baby too. My sister had my niece then and I thought she was the best thing ever. I couldn't wait to have my own baby. We waited until I finished my classes and got a job. We waited a little longer until my health insurance kicked in.

I got pregnant in 2006. I was on cloud nine with the idea of being pregnant. It was finally my turn! I really was so happy. I did, however, have horrible morning sickness... or round-the-clock sickness is more like it. My stomach was doing me no favors. I was weak. I was hot. I just never felt very well. My hips ached so bad. I still feel it sometimes like a phantom pain in my hips. I did end up feeling better into the 2nd trimester and was starting to show. I was getting pretty happy and excited. I started collecting baby items. Mick and I even took a little road trip. We had a lovely time together. It was a nice trip, but when I look back at those pictures it is very painful. They are in a box in the back of my closet. That was the last time I was truly my old self. Look how happy I was. Not a real care in the world. I was untouchable and nothing truly tragic had ever really happened to me.

My 1st ultrasound at 20 weeks changed everything. I get a sinking sensation even writing it now. The tech seemed to be spending an awful long time looking at my baby. She did inform us it was a girl. I was giddy for a moment. She told me "have fun shopping." Umm okay, thanks lady. We met the doctor afterward. It was the first time I had seen the actual doctor at the OB office. Before it was the PA and nurse. She didn't know me. I didn't know her. She told us our baby has "a very concerning finding." The way she said it, I cringe. I can imagine us sitting there all bubbly and excited and she has to tell us something horrible.

She said our baby has a heart defect called hypoplastic left heart syndrome (HLHS). Half of the baby's heart didn't grow; her heart, a vital organ. She told us what it meant. The baby will develop fine in the womb but as soon as she is born her heart will not pump blood properly. She would need surgery at the moment of birth. I encourage you to read more about HLHS if you have time. I remember they told us 1 in 10,000 babies had it. I think the number is higher now. I personally know of three other people who had or have children with this condition, which is remarkable. There are many details about HLHS that I have honestly blocked out. I searched online through late hours learning more and more about it. Babies were known to survive with this condition with a heart transplant or a series of surgeries.

I was scared to death. I didn't have the emotional tools to deal with such a thing. I remember worrying about money and how we would afford all this. How would we manage to make it through such a dramatic thing? What if the baby dies when she is born? How could I ever go on? This isn't a television show; this is real life.

We were sent to South Denver to see a pediatric heart specialist. They did an ultrasound of her heart that took an hour and a half. I fell asleep lying there. We were told even though it was technically HLHS, hers looked slightly abnormal. I apologize for not remembering some of these details. We talked with the heart specialist about what her options would be when born. She had very few options. It was a bleak picture. We were basically told she wasn't going to make it.

Still, I was sent to see a high-risk OB in Denver and had detailed ultrasounds done of all her systems. The only other significant finding was that my baby girl was very small for her gestational age. I don't remember the exact details.

I can tell you my heart absolutely broke during all this. I am the first child in my family and I thought this baby was going to be just like me. I thought she would have been beautiful. I still wish I had a little girl of my own to know what she would be like. I'm certain my reproductive days are over. I couldn't handle going through all this again. I get sick just thinking about all the stress I was under when pregnant with Colin. I was so worried about him. I fatefully had been introduced to "The Secret" around this time and was able to visualize and meditate on positive outcomes and that was really the only thing that kept me from going off the deep end when I was pregnant with him. I had a mantra I would repeat whenever I would start to feel negative: "My baby will be healthy, my baby will come home with us, my baby will grow up and live a full life." That was Colin. I actually still do this from time to time. I should probably do it more.

Mick and I had a lot of long talks during all this. Thank goodness we were able to communicate still. I don't even know how we did it. We had to make some tough decisions. In my heart I am a woman's advocate and I believe every woman should always be able to make informed choices about what happens to her and her body. During this time of making hard choices I got a cramping stomach illness. I was throwing up nonstop. I became dehydrated. I started spotting. I feel like I was making myself sick with some kind of mental breakdown. We went down to Denver to induce labor. I was 25 weeks. This was the decision I had made. I am hesitant to write this because I fear being judged for the choice we made.

The baby came quick; stillborn. We have pictures with her, both of us red-faced and crying. She was the tiniest little person I'd ever seen. She had a little bit of brown hair and long fingers. We named her Frances Jane. The doctor inspected the baby. I was told the cord was wrapped around her neck many times. I was told it was highly likely she had perished in the womb up to a week before. Yet we still had to make the choice to induce early. I wish I'd never had to make that choice and would have let my body take care if it. I think she died from my broken heart.

After this all went down we had a little funeral for the baby. I was empty inside. I wasn't nice to Mick. We should have held onto eachother tighter. I don't know how we even came out of all this. It was a dark day.

I retained part of the placenta for a good week and was bleeding a lot. I had no idea what it was all about. The cramping and blood came in waves. I finally went to the doctor and she sent me to surgery right away to have it removed. I didn't even know what was happening to me. I was so very sad.

I had a certain person ask me not a month after all this happened, "so when are you getting pregnant again?" That was my first real taste of human insensitivity and I cringe thinking about it still. I wish I would have screamed in this person's face. I wish I could right now. It wouldn't make any difference though in the end.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about this baby girl. She is always in my mind. I hope she is out there looking down on us and looking after her brothers. I hope she knows I really did want her so badly. I wanted her so bad. I still do.