Colin the Tenderhearted

Colin started kindergarten this week. So far he thinks "it's great!" This morning he was ready to go at least a half hour early and said "I just want to go to school." His teacher said in a postcard, "Welcome to kindergarten. The happiest place on earth!" I love it!

Yesterday we went to an open house for Will's preschool which he will be starting next week. Yay! There was a little boy there who will be in Will's class that wears a special backpack. I was talking with his mom because I had seen her son at Respite Care before. He's really cute and unforgettable. His mom told me he has a feeding tube. I'm not exactly sure what the backpack is for, but I've only ever seen him with it on and I think it must have something to do with his feeding tube because it beeps as if alerting that something is happening.

When we were driving home I was telling Mickey more about my conversation with this boy's mom and all the helpful things she had told me about getting more help and services and money from various organizations. I said something about the boy and how his mom said he has a lot of health issues. I didn't realize Colin was listening so intently, but he said to us something along the lines of, "I wish I could have talked to that boy with the backpack. I love kids. They are my favorite. I never want to hear about them being hurt."

Oh how sweet is my little angel Colin. I never want to forget this. It is one of the first times he's shown compassion for another individual. I was so proud to hear him say this.

Humiliation

So, uh, this has nothing to do with Will or anything, but I just have to write about this as I need to sort it out. Eleven years ago Mick and I bought our house we currently live in. We were young. We were in love. We didn't know what the heck we were doing. We wanted something we could afford. We wanted to live here for 5 years tops. Five years went by. We got married. We had a baby. We lost jobs, got new jobs. We got ourselves in debt. The market crashed. Needless to say, we are still here. We are blessed that we own our house. It's a little old ranch house and I love it. I may trash talk it sometimes; but honestly, it's my nice space and I really do like it. There are three main things I think it needs: A dishwasher, another bathroom, and some storage space. These things we are managing along fine without, though. And it is our home.

I suppose it's okay to talk about publicly now. Mick got a super amazing new job! He starts in a week and a half. It's just what he's been wanting all this time. He is going to be a facilities electrical supervisor. This job is going to be so good for him. Full health benefits, vacation pay, sick time, stock options, retirement, etc. All the good stuff! I am so proud of him for getting this job. He has worked so hard all these years putting in his time. We're not getting any younger. He needs something stable with opportunities to advance... and we need to start thinking about the long-term future. So this is such a great thing!

Now, what comes with this new job is that it is in Cheyenne, Wyoming. It would be an hour commute away and a lot longer in the snow. We are starting to realize that we should move closer. Mick's family lives up in Cheyenne. It's a decent city with all the amenities you could possibly need. My family is in the same town we live in now. There is a half-way point that I am willing to move to if needed. It's a half hour between each family. It's actually really pretty convenient both ways. Some people may not understand, but I love my family and I really hate to move away from them. They help me so much and provide me with part of a social life I just don't want to give up. So I think it's very fair to say we will meet half-way between the two families. The school district we would move to is also top-notch for special needs kids, which is a huge concern for me.

So that's our idea. We try to sell our old house. Can we? Can we afford a new house? Will we get enough out of our old house to help with a down payment on a new house? These are questions we are working on now.

Yesterday our friend who is a realtor came over to assess the house situation and all the work we need to do. This is where the humiliation comes in. She right off the bat said, don't worry. I know you live here; you collect things, etc. Well we ran down a list of stuff that we need to do to this house. It is a little scary. I mean, I know things aren't as clean as they should be and there are definitely things that need to be thrown out, but I'm not a hoarder! I can't stand having unused stuff laying around everywhere. Things that are Mick's domain are the garage and the yard. I don't have much to do with those areas. I like to plant flowers and mow. But the big stuff is for him to do. Mick is super busy. He always has been. He works himself ragged most of the time. And having time is one thing, but having extra money to put into this kind of maintenance is a big struggle for us. Anyway, we've let some things go. I didn't realize it was that bad. I think it looks pretty nice here myself. But just running down this list makes me cringe with embarrassment.

All we can do now is get to work and hope to impress the realtor when she sees how much we've done in a few months. It's a little bleak maybe, but I have hope. And also it really depends on getting another loan. I just don't know yet. I've got a few inquiries pending right now. If we can't move, it's not the end of the world. I really do like it here. It's my home.

A Good Day at Speech Therapy

When it comes to raising a child like Will, patience is a virtue. For sure. Everything moves rather slow. But the gains, no matter how small, are HUGE! I mean when something new happens we usually make a crazy big deal out of it and celebrate. I love when he does something new!

In the last week Will has been saying his "M's" pretty well. Yesterday when he was in distress I heard him blurt out "mmmm-mama, mmmm-mama." I wasn't really sure if he meant to say mama, but today he did it again when I tried to leave the room so he could be one-on-one with his speech therapist. This in itself is very cool. I like for him to be able to call me something other than screaming. For many kids their first word is mama!

There have been three other times when I can think of Will saying a word. One was when he was about 20 months I swear I heard him say "bird" when a black bird was cawing. Then a few months later I heard him say "ga-pa" once (for grandpa). Around that same time he also was getting pretty good at saying "kitty" for a couple weeks. One of the problems with verbal apraxia is that words can be spontaneously said, but if they aren't practiced over and over again they can be lost. Back then Will didn't have much interest in saying much and was always so busy doing his own thing in his own little guy world.

I found this chart below to be very interesting... Mostly due to the fact that the first sounds a child make are usually vowels, which I think he has mastered for the most part, and N, M, P, H, W, and B. I have heard him say N, M, H, and B. So hopefully soon we will hear the other sounds and he can start making some words. We'll see!

What was even more exciting today, though, was that Will said plain and clear "more" to his speech therapist. Since he was in distress and wouldn't do anything for her without me, I went back in the room with them and helped cheer him up. She was doing a spinning top toy with Will and she asked him if he wanted more, and he did his sign language for "more" and then said it! We both looked at each other and cheered for him. He only really did it once, but the rest of the time he was signing "more" he was doing the "M" sound. Maybe next time I will try to take a video of him. It was so cool! And I loved it that she witnessed it with me to help me believe that was really what was going on. Sometimes I think, did that really just happen? It was so great!

Also, I took this video a little while back (before Will had a haircut haha), but it shows Will signing "more" in his own way. This was his first few days of doing it. He's actually getting even better at it! And also he had just woken up when I took this video and was still a bit tired. But anyway, it's cool. Check it out!

More more more more more more more more more more. Let's go more! 

Mom Thoughts and Possible Rants

This blog is really all about being a mom. Really it's my #1 job. And oh how I love being a mom. I always wanted to be a mom since I was little. I have a great mom and I always admired her. I used to look at her when I was little and think she was the most beautiful lady in the world. She would sometimes wear her hair up on her head back in the 80s and she looked like a princess.

My beautiful mom and I back in the days

My mom is a smart woman who knows tons of things. She is strongly-opinionated and can debate her points well. She was always so good about taking my brother, sister, and I to do fun activities when we were kids. She also worked a lot and it couldn't have been easy for her to juggle everything. I really respect her. She is now retired and enjoying life in the best way.

I used to play with these little critters called Sylvanian Family when I was a kid. These are some of the ones I had, same outfits and everything. I had a doll house they fit in and I remember spending hours with them, setting them up, talking to them, dressing them, making up family stories. I still remember this activity very fondly. My little sister was born when I was 5 and I took a lot with me from having her around as a baby. Someday I would have my own little baby to take care of.

My sister and I

When I was pregnant for the first time with my baby girl Frances, I really started reliving all these old days and couldn't wait to share these kinds of things with her. Now having boys, it is quite a different. I have to reach into my memory bank and think of what was going on with my brother back in the days. My brother was my playmate for our younger years especially. He is 18 months younger than me. I spent most of my time bossing him around. I remember more than anything playing in the sandbox in our backyard with him. As we got older I found him to be the funniest person I knew. He always made me laugh. We would laugh at the craziest things. My brother is the best. I miss him so much. He lives in California with a beautiful family of his own now. Someday when traveling becomes feasible with Will, we will go see them. And they come out to Colorado a lot too. I can't wait to see them again.

Me, my dad, my brother

My brother and I

From what I gather, Colin is really a mix between Mick and I. He is also pretty unique in his own way. Mick's mom passed away years ago, before I knew him, so I don't have her perspective to draw from. But Mick's dad and brother are here and they have some hilarious stories from when Mick was growing up. Mick is the little brother of his family. He seemed to be picked on a lot and made to do crazy things by his brother and his friends. He also got into some trouble in his teenage years... always messing around with friends... enough to be sent away to military school to finish out his school career! I find this to be funny now as Mick is so responsible and laid back.

Mick and his mom

Little Mick. He was so cute!

Colin is a mix between us. Colin's birthday is in the middle of the 28 days between mine and Mick's, although Colin favors the Capricorn side... so I think he's a tad more like me. He's really carefree and likes to laugh and smile, more like me. He's like Mick in his love for playing video games and learning about superheroes. He's also smart like Mickey and is good with numbers. I've never been too good with numbers.

And then there's Will. He looks a lot like Mick, especially the older he gets. Personality-wise, he's just on a totally different wavelength than all of us. Some days I wish I could see some personality resemblance and know what he's going through. I try and try and I just don't know. I do love it when he's happy and laughing. He reminds me of Colin then. I desperately want to understand Will. I remember a lot from when I was a kid. The obscure details and feelings still stick in my mind. I go back to them when parenting Colin, but for Will I just don't know. I am working on it. It's more like I just try and keep him happy. I think as times goes on we will connect more. He's like a baby about many things still, but I think he will make some gains in intellect and I hope speech and I will really get to know him more. He's still my little guy and I love every little thing about him, despite how much I complain about things. I feel like I'm here to protect him and help him grow to his highest potential, just like parenting any average kid.

Mother bear gets mad! So the other day we were at the local bounce house having a good old time. Will happened to make a big milestone there in that he finally climbed to the top of the big bouncy slide all by himself. For 2 years he tried and tried and this time he did it at least 20 times! How exciting! So there's Will at the top of the slide and two bigger boys, probably 8 or 9, are waiting behind Will so he will slide down. Will was just sitting there checking it all out from up top. I encouraged Will to come down. The boys were growing restless. I said to the boys, "go around him." They wouldn't. Then one of the boys said, "what is wrong with you? Why don't you go?" over and over again. I grew livid. My heart beat fast. I looked around to see who was responsible for these boys. No one was there. I then roared at these boys, "Not cool! You guys can wait or go around. He's only 3!" Then Will went down the slide. 

This was my first experience with other kids trash-talking my little son. I'm going to bet this happens a lot in the future, especially once he's in mainstream school. I worry so much about this. He can't speak for himself, so who will? He doesn't deserve to be treated this way, especially when he works so hard to accomplish all he does. It's a mixed blessing at this point as he doesn't understand what's going on yet, but I don't doubt that someday he will. Will he be strong enough to let that stuff not bother him? Will it hurt him? These thoughts plague my mind. And he looks normal, if not older than his age due to his height. That makes it hard for others to tell he might be different than them by looking at him. I don't think these boys meant much by it, but it still pissed me off. Have some respect people! 

Now I can't even come close to comparing myself to some of the bullying children endure that we hear about these days. There is some messed up garbage going on out in the world. Sweet children committing suicide due to being bullied. Beautiful young people being attacked due to their sexual orientation. Gorgeous young ladies being drugged and raped because they are perceived as "sluts." It is so sad. I will say I received my share of bullying in school; a little in elementary school, but middle school was a nightmare. F those bitches who picked on me for my big butt and plain face. I never said anything to them and tried to ignore it; but it was hard. Those feelings I'd prefer to stay back there start to come out, especially when someone picks on my own baby. Now I am a little more articulate, if not overly emotional, and hope I can handle situations like the one above better. Same thing goes when I overhear people making insensitive remarks that "I think there's something wrong with him" or the blatant stares we get from the public at large. Some days I want to scream in their faces to mind their own business. I can see you looking at my son. He is an innocent angel. You are the ones with the problem and no manners. I think as time goes on I will either have some good comebacks or handle it better. Ignore it? I hate ignoring that crap. Mick is so good at ignoring it. He says to me "who are they?" Like why do they matter to you? They are nothing... I don't know. It just does matter to me. It matters to me deep down in my core. It's not right.

Well, what am I getting at here? I was going to write about being a special needs mom. I'll try to do better later. But this is all part of it I guess. It started out with two people who have pasts and our hopes and dreams for a family. Then there's the little people we created and we get what we get. We face adversity head on and try and survive and grow good people in the end.

Thanks for reading everyone. I've been getting awesome feedback from some of you and I appreciate that! xoxo

Discipline and Negative Behavior

Straight off the happy train back into Downersville! Well no, I don't think this is going to be as much as a downer as it is just talking about a tough phase we are in right now.

Will is 3. Three year olds are widely known to be adorable little devils at the best of times. My nonverbal 3-year-old can be the devil and all his little minions rolled up in to one ball of temper and teeth and nails. Will gets really, really frustrated. When he was smaller he would just roll along with everything and went with it. Things are different nowadays. A friend of mine who has an incredible child with autism, who is I believe about 9 years old now, said when her son was Will's age he was a "hot mess." I would definitely use this term to describe Will. He's a total hot mess!

Can you imagine not being able to communicate effectively? What if your most-effective methods of communication were to bite, pinch, and scratch? It gets my attention pretty darn quick and I can imagine it's a way for Will to release his negative feelings and gain some control. He has learned that doing these negative things to me will get my attention fast and he has learned to do them all the time. Sometimes he laughs at my reaction to him scratching me. Like he thinks it's funny when I say "Ouch. That hurts mommy." Great.

A recent pinch from Will on my arm

This biting and scratching and pinching crap hurts. It hurts like a mother. Will's got the sharpest little teeth and comes at me from all angles. He is known to drop down and bite my leg or sneak up from behind and bite my booty. In the last month he has learned to pinch and scratch. And he is strong! He drops down now like a noodle and makes it really hard for me to pick him up. He knows how to fight back. He has that all figured out. I worry he is starting to manipulate me in some way, but it's so hard to know what to do. It is really tempting to spank him. Several people have told me to bite him back or scratch him back, but I don't see how this would help. He doesn't really understand what he's doing and doesn't know what it means to hurt me. He wouldn't understand why I am spanking him. And the times I have scratched him back or snapped him on the cheek to make him stop, he just gets more mad. It becomes a cycle of madness.

These days Will is starting to understand words and simple phrases more, which is great; but he still really lacks in understanding why we do things or why he can't do certain things. He just gets really upset when he doesn't get to do the things he wants. For instance, he wants to go out in the front yard a lot. We live on a quiet street, but he certainly can't be out there unsupervised. And I don't always want to go out front. He doesn't understand if I say to him "we will go out there after I finish what I'm doing"... or whatever. He gets so mad when he doesn't get his way and out come the teeth and nails and screams again. This kind of thing happens all day long. Sometimes someone forgets to lock the front door. Will seems to realize this immediately and will be out the door before I can stop him. I then have to try to either coax him into the house (which works maybe 1% of the time), drag him into the house while avoiding teeth and nails and fighting his weight and strength, or I simply give up what I was doing and go outside and play with him for a while. You know what annoys me about this? We have a pretty fun backyard with tons of stuff to do back there. The front yard has our cars in the driveway and grass and a tree and some flowers. I don't know what it is about the front, but he just loves it. He always wants to be out there, no matter if it's raining, snowing, windy, etc.

So how does one discipline a child like this? I admit I have lost it a few times and yelled back at him. He looks at me with a blank stare, doesn't care or even understand that I am mad or he's in trouble. Will shows no emotion when I yell at him. Sometimes he laughs and thinks I'm being funny. It is extremely frustrating. It's infuriating. I have to check myself too and take my own break. A mommy timeout. Regroup. Try again. Then try to cheer him up, even though I am still pretty upset with him. He doesn't get social cues, although he is starting to not like stern voices or being scolded. I think this is a good step.

But I have got to find out how to stop this awful behavior. Therapists have given me some ideas. One therapist said to have him hit a wall or stomp his feet instead. This worked maybe once. When his little mouth is ready to bite, there is very little that can stop him until he bites. He wears a chewy tube all the time that I can shove in his mouth instead, but this is probably 10% effective. He is frustrated and wants to hurt me. I don't hold it against him. Some days I handle it better than others. If we're at home I usually put him in his room alone to cool down. But there are days when he's gone in there 15 to 20 times for a time out. It gets to be a little much and I don't think he needs to spend that much time alone in his room. It's hard to know what to do.

I really hope preschool helps with this. I have heard great things about the preschool class he's going into in September and I think it will be great. He is going to be there 4 days a week for 3 hours at a time and some of this behavior is bound to come out. There is also behavior therapy out there and child psychologists and I would love to get him into something to help control his emotions. I'm working on getting something going for him.