A Socially Challenged Family

The winter holidays are now over. I sound extremely cynical when I say this, but I am so glad they are over. I used to love Christmas. I remember growing up being so excited for Christmas, like most children I suppose.

It starts out with me having a great deal of enthusiasm for Thanksgiving. It's a nice day where we get to eat delicious food and spend time with family. But then Thanksgiving passes and Christmas is a month away. Oh boy. I have so much going on all the time that I feel like I never get to enjoy the season. The month is a blur of stress and anxiety. But when it's over I always feel sweet relief.

So while this is all going on my little child with autism who has incredibly-challenging sensory avoidance issues can't cope with what's happening to his routine and all the new things in the world around him. There are bright lights all over the place. The weather is cold. His play space has been overtaken by a pokey Christmas tree with breakable balls he's not allowed to play with. People are sick and coughing and sneezing everywhere he goes. His brother is running on crazy energy anticipating not only Christmas but his birthday. Will gets cooped up in the house and can't play outside. He has to see all kinds of people who talk loud and laugh and it hurts his ears. His mom is stressed out to the max.

It's so hard for Will. I feel I am tuned in to Will's needs and moods more than anyone. I hear a certain noise and cringe when I know the next second Will is going to be upset by it. I go on alert mode and am constantly shooshing children and yelling at dogs to be quiet. I wish it wasn't this way. I once read this quote somewhere online: "A mother is only as happy as her saddest child." This is so true.

Lately I have really been struggling with trying to make people understand why we don't go out and do things as much as we used to. I am generally a social person. I like visiting with people. I like spending time outdoors. I love going out for a meal. Basically all of these things are stressful now when Will is there. There are a few outings he enjoys. He likes going to peoples' houses and exploring them. He likes going to the park. He likes going to the grocery store and opening and closing the refrigerators. Umm, I think that's it. He definitely doesn't like getting cold if we were to go sledding. He doesn't like swimming. He wouldn't be able to handle going to the zoo. He would never sit still at the movie theater. My gosh, there are way more things he doesn't like than things he likes. I could keep going.

I have a hard time saying no to people. I genuinely want to please people. I have always been this way. But I am finding myself having to say no to more things than I care to. Then I feel guilty like I am letting them down. My family is really limited in the things we can do together. What happens now too often is that I end up taking Colin to do something while Mick stays at home with Will or vice versa. A couple times a month Will goes to Respite Care and Mick, Colin and I are able to do something special together. Those are good days. But we hardly ever do anything with all 4 of us together anymore. It's really sad.

So how can I make people understand? More often than not I keep friends more at arm's length where they can't get too close to me for fear of letting them down. It's not right. I know a lot of people but have very few close friends. I have begun to feel more isolated than ever now. I don't see it getting any better any time soon either. And that is depressing. I hope when the spring comes we all may be able to get out more and I will feel better about it all. Warm sunshine always helps.